Humility
Being humble is not a character attribute I was born with. Quite the opposite - for the greater part of the past decade or so of my life, I was self- centered, unabashedly arrogant, and stupid.
Although I was booksmart, I was an idiot. I couldn't imagine how allowing myself to embrace my smallness in this world could be of benefit to myself or anyone else around me. Of course, this worked until I was forced to see myself in my true measure. I only projected a larger-than life version of myself when in fact, I felt powerless.
Vulerability
The truth was I was always scared. I was terrified. I was absolutely, irrationally scared of my future for reasons not even I understood. I was terrified to move forward in many aspects of my life because everything used to come so easily to me. I didn't know how to cope with being met with resistance by everything and everyone in my environment. Being a kid was easy - becoming an adult felt retched.
So, I became a fighter. I projected my fears and it manifested itself as anger and I pushed everyone who meant anything to me away. I didn't just let them go; I kicked them out of my lives.
I built barriers and never gave anyone a chance.
I remember feeling a shift when I evolved from a fembot into a human again. It was so different to feel emotions I'd kept locked up deep in the abyss that had been my soul. I forgot who I was in order to cling to who I thought I wanted to be.
When I was ready, I released all of the things that scared the hell out of me and ran toward love. Peace and joy can't exist in the same place as fear and anxiety.
So, I became a fighter. I projected my fears and it manifested itself as anger and I pushed everyone who meant anything to me away. I didn't just let them go; I kicked them out of my lives.
I built barriers and never gave anyone a chance.
I remember feeling a shift when I evolved from a fembot into a human again. It was so different to feel emotions I'd kept locked up deep in the abyss that had been my soul. I forgot who I was in order to cling to who I thought I wanted to be.
When I was ready, I released all of the things that scared the hell out of me and ran toward love. Peace and joy can't exist in the same place as fear and anxiety.
I had to let go of one, and in the place of my former fears existed only love.
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