Some people who see me automatically think that I'm this snobby, presumptuous bitch.  Which is a valid assumption.  I am well aware of the fact that I carry myself in a certain way.  Until I open my mouth, I have a somewhat cold demeanor.  I don't smile very often at people because I notice that whenever I do, they talk to me, and as much as I love people, sometimes, I just don't feel like indulging in small talk with strangers.  I can't tell you how many times a person has told me, "When I first met you, I thought you were stuck-up, but once we started talking, I realized you're a really goofy, funny, warm person."  I mention this because I realize where they're coming from.  I respect their perspective.  I can't blame them for assuming the worst, as most people do, because it's better to be pleasantly surprised than it is to be disappointed.

Lately, I have been watching the lives of those I love unfold around me.  Chapters which lasted decades have seen their final punctuation mark and the next chapter is now being written.  Most people I know and love are very blessed.  

It began with a thought.  They either had this idea for a better direction in life, or they decided they were no longer satisfied with the way things were happening for them, and they worked and strove toward the goal they decided for themselves, and they prayed.  I have known many people who have worked hard and prayed hard and got what they wanted and wished and cried and prayed for, and still were not satisfied.  I realize that some people feel a gigantic empty space within the realm of their lives, that can not be filled, no matter how great the accomplishment.  Those are never satisfied.  I also have known people who work and pray toward a goal, and when that chance comes, it is in unfamiliar territory, and out of fear, they do not take the opportunity that may have significantly, positively changed their lives.  There there are the few lucky ones, who work their will into their future, arrive at the changing point, "Grab the bull by the horns," as they say, and realize that the point to which they were brought, is exactly where they should be, and they feel blessed, looking forward to the next amazing leg of their journey.

I realize that there are many different variations of scenarios and reactions people may have to those situations.  The bottom line is, most people are never satisfied, some people allow their fear to dictate their lives, and some people find blessing in simply reaching the point they are at.  I know I am a combination of those.

I used to fall only under the category of the first two people I described.  I had everything, and still felt like had nothing.  I was constantly surrounded by people, and still felt lonely.  I lived in a gorgeous home, but still felt homeless.  I had the chance to do bigger, and better things with my life, but out of the fear of the unknown, I put the brakes on even before the engine started.  On the surface, I was this bubbly, cheerful person, but inside, I was in shambles.  To be honest, I don't remember a lot about how I felt, nor how my thought processes went, all I know is that I can look at photographs of my old self and not recognize that person.  Is this something I beat myself up for?  No.  There's not reason to look back and regret.    

The beauty of struggle is, when it's over, and you're still here, even if you're cut and bruised , that means you won.      

Being unhappy is a pretty shitty way to live.  It is a choice most people lazily allow themselves to default to, because they feel like the circumstances which surround them are beyond their control.  This is true.  We can not control the external circumstances in which we are immersed, we can only control the ways in which we deal with them.  This brings me to one of my most favorite sentiments, via Gabrielle Bernstein,

"If your happiness is based on external experience, then, my darling, you are fucked."

I admire how effectively the f-bomb is used here, and she is absolutely right!

I don't want to change the way people perceive me, I'd rather affect their emotion while they spend time with me.

I don't expect people who get what they want to think that life is all cupcakes and butterflies, because this world can be a scary, nasty place.  However, you are only defeated when you've chosen to believe you are defeated.  You are only a victim when you allow yourself to be victimized.  Yes, people are awful and can do horrible things to you, but it is within you to overcome them, and the unthinkable situations that have happened to people.  Things can always be worse.  This is when mental fortitude and spiritual resilience comes in.  Nobody said this world would be gentle.  It is within you to make this life worth living.    

I don't expect people to dive into their manifested dreams fearlessly and without caution, but I do hope that they believe in themselves enough to give themselves a chance to at least take the first steps to allow themselves to get where they always thought they wanted to go.

As for my miraculously having turned from a pessimistic ingrate into the perpetually at-peace version of myself - It took conscious effort to shift perspective.  Before, I simply didn't realize that it was within my capacity to change my thoughts and feelings about life.  My life is pretty rad.  I'm not bragging, I just wish that more people would feel the same way, because, Folks, this life is the only one you'll have...in this body, with those people whom you love.  This is it.  This isn't rehearsals.  You don't get the double take.  After this perspective, I'm not sure what the next one will be like, but it's better to appreciate it now because in terms of time, and how much time there is, and how little time we have; Life is a Fleeting Moment.  Make sure you approach each with a perspective that'll make the following moments just that much better than the ones before.

I know so many women who follow around men they fancy.  I don't get it.  Should it not be the other way around?  Now, I am no expert of any sort on the matter, but I do know that when a man wants something, whether it be an object, or an object of his lust/affection, he will go to many lengths go get what he wants.  That is just how men are programmed.  In having said that, there is a moment in which he will get tired, or will find another new, shiny object to occupy his obsession.  Ladies don't need to chase.  Of course he'll give in to you, you're making it too easy for him to refuse.  That isn't a compliment.  It isn't an insult, either.

Men are simple creatures.  Crazy, but simple.  If you want to keep him happy, you feed him, and share yourself with him.  That does not mean he will stay around, but hopefully you can eat with him, and you enjoy his intimacy.  Sounds like a win/win situation, if you ask me.  Emotions come flooding and will take over only if I allow them to.  I believe it's irresponsible to think that I have no control over the emotions I allow myself to feel.  I also have the choice to feel them, then let them go.

There is too much pressure in this society to be something to someone, and as a woman of modern times, I am constantly reminded that if I play my cards right, I will be everything to one person.  I am not OK with that notion.  I don't believe it exists.  I am not naive enough to think that I have everything one man wants in my 5'5" 115-lb frame.  I believe that every person in my life, whether he/she is in my past or present, as been in my life in order to serve me a purpose.  I have learned a lesson from everyone whom I've known or spoken to, then when the time comes, I either let them go, or hold on to them.  I don't need to be surrounded by people who kiss my ass in order to make me feel like a competent, good human being.  I am a little fish swimming against the tide in the sense that most people feel they need people in order to be well.  Sure, I adore my family, and my very few, close friends, but during my crises, I was left to my own devices, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I feel it to be unfair to imagine that one person can fix all that ails me in this world.

In order to properly love another soul in this world, we must first and foremostly, love OURSELVES.